I don't say any of these things to offend or convert or urk anyone. My only desire is to spark discussion and get some thoughts out.
I grew up in a home that was Christian without anyone saying it. We didn't go to church, we didn't pray before meals, we didn't really talk about it. But rights and wrongs were Christian based and it must have come up sometime because I knew what God was. After a divorced and a tragedy, Christianity was more prevalent in my home. I was still young and it made a big impression on me.
I spent my high school years a strong Christian in a spiritual way. To me this means that though I didn't go to church very often and didn't really believe all the same things as the 'religion' says, I had strong Christian values, and I followed them as best I thought was possible.
But a lot of pain in high school, due some other family problems, caused a lot of issues with me and the way I relate to the people. Though I don't question that God exists, I began to question the way His Church set things up. Christianity has a very shady past. Even the bible doesn't always make sense. But it has been translated so many times, who knows if it still says what it was meant to.
I watch people around me, drag themselves down in their unhappy life, waiting for God to tell them where to go; afraid to make any choice without a bright light to show the way. I watch Christian people stick up their noses and judge others around them.
I am still in a place that leaves be very confused. What does God really want for us? What does He really want from us? Why do I have so many sets of expectations pulling me in so many different directions?
Every time I think about God now, I get a weird feeling in my stomach. I don't know what I should be living up to. I could look for advice or spiritual guidance, but these too are just people relaying their own ideas or ideas of other humans. Without a direct link, I don't trust it.
Christians don't call me lost. Atheists don't call me misled. Family don't call me wrong.
Why, in this world, is it so hard to be me?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
It sounds like you and I share a similar upbringing as regards religion. I was told of God and whom Jesus was, taught Christian morality but it was my choice whether to attend services or not. I drifted away from God during my teenage years though never being a complete atheist.
ReplyDeleteFour years ago a tragedy beset me which nearly ripped my world apart. In these four years I too have meditated on many of the thoughts you speak off.
All religions are stained with the mistakes of the past and all religion is structured for controlling what you think and do. There are good preachers, ministers and pasters. In all religion you will find genuine loving people.
What I think God wants for us is for us to enjoy our life. He gave us the freedom to choose in what shape that enjoyment comes. And when we make a mistake and our enjoyment causes pain to others or to Him He gave us Christ to show us how much He still loves us. Isn't that what any parent wants for their children, even when their actions are not what you would like you never stop loving them.
Only you can know what you should be living up to, as long as you make a possitive choice you can't go wrong.
Well put!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your comment.
Thanks np
~Aria