Anxiety

Recently I have been a little stressed. Mostly with money. Too many bills to little money.

But what this has led me to discover is that I have anxiety issues.

The first few times I stressed out I figured I was just a little tired as well as stressed... but more recently I am 'freaking out' about things that are nothing at all. Then I get frustrated with myself and everything starts falling down around me... then, keeping my composure is a problem. Once I feel tears in my eyes, I can only think to run. I can only think to run to a secluded place, to be alone. I grab my stuff and go home. Or I grab my keys and go for a drive.

Sure thats not a big deal, but when I have commitments (work? meetings? class?) I can't just gon running off because I can no longer handle all the things spinning in my head.

Its a horrible feeling... I feel on edge nearly all the time. It doesn't take much of anything to send me over. Its not that I immidiately get angry, I just get overwhelmed, like I can't handle everything. Once I've gone over that edge, I either need to be pulled back, quickly, or go into a tail spin and need to get out, to run.

...

I took some online Anxiety tests (a doctor would be a better place, but for starters we look online). They did show some anxiety. Not extreme, but above average. I looked around for some things to do about it...

I'll let you know how that goes... in the mean time, I listen to Ingrid Michealson and her song 'Keep Breathing'.

Sparks of Childhood

So I haven't written for a while, been a little busy.

With my free time I have been dabbling in the importance of childhood pastimes. At this very moment I am enjoying the Disney/Pixar Movie Ratatouille. Last night I painted with watercolors.

How important is it to grow up? Why do we do it?

I can see the importance of learning to handle responsibility and act as an adult with a job and bills, but why do we lose the joy and the spark, that thing children have? Why don't we still make time to catch falling leaves, play games that get us to run around, or jump on trampolines? Many adults would be embarassed to do so. I admit, in life, I am a little odd, and I like to think that even age will not stop me from being silly. It's a little scary though how some people end up unhappy, alone, angry with life.

This is not much compared to my other posts, but it is something that is important to me. I have a Disney Princess coloring book, watercolors, crayons, video games, and a desire to play football or capture the flag and I will continue to have them!

In conclusion to my short little rant, I encourage all to dabble in their childhood and the simple activities. You may be surprised how relaxing coloring books are!
Ended with a smile!

Controversy

So my last post "Judas" could definitely offend some people.

But it really should not.

Why not?! Someone may ask. It's not right!
Judas is in Hell!
That's what the bible says!... That's what my church says! ... That's what my heart says...

And that is what you believe.
Some religions or religious people are obsessed with the condemnation of others with different beliefs.

That is not right.
Let God judge.

Everyone thinks their own beliefs are right, otherwise they wouldn't think them.
So how can you, you who is so sure of yourself, tell someone else, who may also be just as sure, that they are wrong?

There really is no way to know who is right.
You can feel that your beliefs are right in your own heart, and that is so wonderful.
But that doesn't make it the right for someone else.

Every religion has 'experiences' that provide proof for its followers.
Every group has seen miracles.

The natural world works because of it's complex diversity.
Couldn't the world of humans work the same?

God made us different. God put us through different things.
Why would we come out with the same beliefs on the other side?


Thanks for reading
thoughts?

Judas

This has been bothering me. What about Judas?

I sang a song in Choir that talked about 12 disciples, 11 of them singing in heaven.
Only 11?
Why?
Because Judas betrayed Jesus. Then he killed himself.

Judas is in Hell? I don't believe that.

God sent Jesus to die for our sins. God has a plan. Jesus was part of it. If that's what God wants to do, okay. But in order for Jesus to be crucified for us, someone had to kill him; someone had to betray him. If God sent Jesus to be killed. He must have made someone to kill him.

Why would He punish Judas for doing what he was meant to do? If Jesus being killed is part of the plan, so is the murderer. Whether you believe in fate or not, if God has a "plan", He must have some ability to poke at people.

How could anyone, even God, expect someone to do something, then let them be damned for all of eternity for doing it?...

Think it through... Do I have a point?
Take it a step further...

If God made us the hormone-filled, free-willed beings that we are... how can he expect saintly lives?
Why would he create us this way, then expect us to go against our nature, against His Will, to be what He has willed?Do you see this incongruity? He made us to be sinners. We are to sin. But he expects us to not. He wants us to go against the nature He has created. ... PAUSE ... I want to restate that. The Bible wants us to go against the Nature that the All Knowing, All Powerful God has created.

That book has passed through too many languages, too many powers, too many greedy sinners, for it to be the word of God for me. Let God's word be the word of God.

12 Disciples, 12 singing in Heaven.

~Aria

Perspective

5 years ago I was afraid of driving. I was following my first boyfriend around, with lovey dovey eyes. I was intent on singing my best in choir and in the high school's musical. I was excited about the football game I was going to on Friday with all my friends.

5 years from now I may be a struggling teacher. I may be trying to raise my kids better than my parents did. I may have a car with a sunroof and nicely placed cup holders. I may be painting pictures to hang in my cozy house. I may be finding an editor to publish my book. I may be jotting down everything I can remember from my childhood, so as a parent and a teacher I don't lose perspective.

10 years ago I was learning the social norms of my society. I was learning how to keep track of my homework when I had two houses to lose it in. I was trying to fit in with the boys. I was following the rules of my house without question, but learning how to get my way.

10 years from now I may be sending my kids to school, a system I hope I am proud to work for. I may be diversifying my investments to ensure a more solid future. I may be painting the walls of my newer and bigger home. I may be running around worse than before to get the family few and where they need to be. I may be struggling with the path I choose; with the life I made.

I may regret not being a music major.
I may regret losing that friend.
I may regret not taking my life into my hands and wrestling it for all it's worth.

But I may be happy with the man I am with, the children I have, my pets, my jobs, my friends, my pastimes, and the person that I am.

I hate how there is no way to be sure whether to go left or right; to walk away or not.

how does one learn to let go of the past, delight in the present, and be enthusiastic about the future?

any ideas?

Women

Again - I don't mean to offend or anything... these are just thoughts. Please respond with your own! :)

So, there are areas of the modern world, mainly western cultures, that pride themselves on their maturity, technology, and (our topic) equality.

But, is the modern, western culture still sexist?

I know some males that would say no. I think most females would say yes.

We know it is still happening; there are certain expectations people have for different things. If a male worked in a beauty salon, people would think he is gay, and if obviously he is not, they may not want him to work on their hair. Some females think that, being a guy, what could he really know about hair? Or if a female worked in a hardware store. If a man came to the store for help, he is more than likely not going to ask the female for help. If he, as a male, cannot figure out his problem, what could a girl know?
[ Note: these individuals may know the most in the whole world about the topic at hand, but because they are in nontraditional roles, that doesn't matter. They are already judged.]
These normal, daily expectations are what show us there is still sexism. But why?

I understand that in many situations, yes the male may not know some things about hair and no, the female may not always be able to solve a "hardware store" problem. It is the fault of our society that females are not encouraged to play with tools and figure out how to fix things; or that males are often outright discouraged from playing with dolls or hair. If these two individuals had grown up doing these 'nontraditional' things, they may be even better equipped to help in those situations.

...

One thing about equality is that it will be hard to know when we are truly there. People who are apart of these groups that were minorities and without equality will(possibly) have it set into their minds the unfairness of the world and in their individual situations. If a woman goes into an interview and doesn't get the job, she can always tell herself it is because she is a woman. If she does, she can subconsciously think it is because the location needs more "diversity". If the minorities are unable to let go of these preconceptions, we may never get to equality.

...

I understand that there are things that women may be better at. I understand that they are things that men may be better at. But I think the place our culture is at (American culture at least), does not allow for an honest judgment that is not tainted by preconceived ideas.

I want to see a place where labels are not used this way.

Thanks for reading! Please respond!
~Aria

God.

I don't say any of these things to offend or convert or urk anyone. My only desire is to spark discussion and get some thoughts out.

I grew up in a home that was Christian without anyone saying it. We didn't go to church, we didn't pray before meals, we didn't really talk about it. But rights and wrongs were Christian based and it must have come up sometime because I knew what God was. After a divorced and a tragedy, Christianity was more prevalent in my home. I was still young and it made a big impression on me.

I spent my high school years a strong Christian in a spiritual way. To me this means that though I didn't go to church very often and didn't really believe all the same things as the 'religion' says, I had strong Christian values, and I followed them as best I thought was possible.

But a lot of pain in high school, due some other family problems, caused a lot of issues with me and the way I relate to the people. Though I don't question that God exists, I began to question the way His Church set things up. Christianity has a very shady past. Even the bible doesn't always make sense. But it has been translated so many times, who knows if it still says what it was meant to.

I watch people around me, drag themselves down in their unhappy life, waiting for God to tell them where to go; afraid to make any choice without a bright light to show the way. I watch Christian people stick up their noses and judge others around them.

I am still in a place that leaves be very confused. What does God really want for us? What does He really want from us? Why do I have so many sets of expectations pulling me in so many different directions?

Every time I think about God now, I get a weird feeling in my stomach. I don't know what I should be living up to. I could look for advice or spiritual guidance, but these too are just people relaying their own ideas or ideas of other humans. Without a direct link, I don't trust it.

Christians don't call me lost. Atheists don't call me misled. Family don't call me wrong.
Why, in this world, is it so hard to be me?